I was currently in the worst lesson of the day listening to my teacher my Mr Aveen telling us a story about how one day he helped this old lady home I thought to my self”wasn’t theirs lesson meant to be about science” right where sir said this Is the good pat I just blanked out and went in my own world.
For some strange reason I was imaging what was to happen if I died, what the teachers reactions would be the sad faces of my class mates, my parents crying and babbling on about how I was such a great boy, I even imagined that the local news came to my funeral and was reporting it worldwide, the shocked face all across the world.
The guy that I was sitting next to handed me a note and said open it obviously I opened it to find it saying “if you open this you are a cock riding twat” I straight away said “ahh this must be for Zoe” as I got to hand her the note she refuses to take it then Mr storyteller sees the note In my hand and says “you know what happens if u Have a note please can u read it out” I was panicking thinking to myself what should I do, luckily time was on my side and as soon as I stood up the bell went.
October 30, 2014 at 12:33 pm
Max,
You have taken clear inspiration from the scene and really tried to take on he voice of the character. For the most part, your ideas are clear and you have tried to use dialogue to help your scene progress.
Targets:
1) evaluate your use of expletives, is this always necessary? How might you skilfully avoid this and perhaps create intrigue for you reader?
2) Always re-read and edit sentence lengths and structures – your first paragraph uses a good mixture of simple and complex sentences but you have not punctuated them. This will hinder your reader.